Hello again, all! I apologize for the lack of updates over the past several weeks. My beloved little cell phone which has brought you all this culinary terror unfortunately died after two years of service. It took me a little while, but I'm back and better than ever with my new phone.

So without further ado, on with the mayhem that's on the menu!

Appetizers
A lot of people like to order an appetizer such as soup to go with their meal. Nothing seems to go better with your chef salad or with your sandwich like a nice, hot bowl of soup.

Or does it?

Beef noodle soup, anyone?

Poultry
One would think that in a hospital that serves food of this piss-poor quality, you'd be safest ordering something like plain grilled chicken breast. There's no way that a piece of white meat can be ruined. It could possibly come out a little on the dry side, but you'd think that would be the only damage extent, right? Maybe, maybe not.


Would you like gravy to go on that chicken? Maybe try to make it look and/or taste a little better? I'd think twice beforehand...


Perhaps you're a little more daring and would like to try the cracked pepper parmesan chicken breast.


Whichever way you choose it, your meal is doomed!

Happy 2009, hospital food haters! I'm a bit late in ringing in the new year with this post, but what the hell. Better late than never, right? WRONG! With what I've got to serve up for you today, you will certainly be wishing it was never.

Each day consists of three meals, you know 'em. Let's take a closer look at what's been on the menu for the terror trio of each day.

Breakfast
No breakfast is complete without a good hearty helping of sausage. Whether it's before it makes it onto your plate...


or after...


it's going to look the same going in as it's gonna look coming out. IF it ever makes it out... Or IF it ever makes it IN, if you're smart enough to NEVER PUT THAT IN YOUR MOUTH.

Lunch - The Entree
Macaroni and cheese comes in a few varieties here. No, not the sharp cheddar variety, or the white cheddar variety. We're talking more along the lines of the Elmer's Glue variety or the dried, crusty variety, respectively.





Still hankering for something cheesy but don't have it in your gumption to take that on? Why not try a grilled cheese sandwich! The perfect crowd pleaser; you can't go wrong with one of those... Or can you?



Lunch - Side Dishes
I know, as if the entree wasn't bad enough.


No, it's not medical waste. It's stewed tomatoes!

Lawn clippings, anyone?


Dinner
Wow, you're still with me here? Kudos to you and your strong stomach! Let's see how you do for the final meal of the day.


It's SUPPOSED to be stuffed chicken breast, but it looks more like some kind of alien being hatching from its cocoon...

Think you'd be better off with something a little safer, like the trusty ol' cheeseburger? Ehh, I'm not too sure about that. Your meal would come from the burger pit of doom:


Seafood lover? Vegetarian? Just prefer not to eat red meat? Don't worry, you're not safe either! The hospital has just the accommodation for you:


Yes, this offensive cod dinner was actually served to a patient.

So was this veggie burger on a bun the size of a dinner roll. Compare!



Dessert!
Oh no no no, it doesn't end with dinner. We go on into the deeply frightening realms of dessert and what that peach cobbler looks like before it makes it into that cute little dish that's been plopped on your tray.





I don't think peach cobbler is supposed to do this:


It can't get any worse, CAN IT?!
Oh yes it can! Let's take a look at some more preparatory photos and another solidly convincing reason why no day is a good day to eat something pureed.

I think it's beef. I'm not quite sure.


Hot dogs? Sausage? Kielbasa? I honestly have no fucking clue.


And the grand finale:

The patients are told this is puree pasta with marinara sauce, but in all actuality, it isn't. It's actually cream of wheat with marinara sauce in it. Yes, I am serious.

You are free to vomit now.

It's time for another update in hospital food hell! Hope you're not hungry, and hope you haven't eaten recently.

If you ordered spaghetti and meatballs last Monday, and if you dared to think those meatballs were even *slightly* delicious, think again. Behold the greasy pit from where they originated from!

The "meatballs" notoriously and literally smell like shit when you cut them open.

Tuesday:

No, it's not an alley bum's regurgitated meal from the night before. Vegetable lasagna, anyone?

Wednesday!

It's SUPPOSED to be roast beef.

Don't ask about Thursday. I think I mentally blocked it out because it's so fucking disgusting.

TGIF? You decide.

or:

Barf stroganoff or cod?

And, as always, no day is a good day to eat puree.



No matter how you try to present it, it always looks like it came from the acidic pit of someone's unsettled stomach.

Puree pasta with marinara sauce with green beans, anyone?

Welcome to the second edition of the ultimate in culinary gross-outs!

What's on the menu for today, you ask? Let's take a look at what culinary disasters the hospital has whipped up recently.



Perhaps not quite as offensive as it looks (or maybe it's because I've gotten frighteningly used to it), but oh yeah, it's gross. Puree vegetable lasagna and green beans, anyone?

As if the fact that it is pre-chewed and regurgitated in a blender for you isn't bad enough, must it come pre-formed into what it was originally supposed to be? Is it supposed to ease the blow of the fact to the patient that their food has been everything but already digested for them by molding it into cute little forms of what once was? Or is it a slap in the face to those who can't chew like they once could?

Let's take another look at what's supposed to be, and what once was, vegetable lasagna.



A bold reason to take care of your teeth and schedule regular check-ups with your dentist, eh?

Moving along...


Don't ask me what in the hell this is. It's supposed to be soup, that's all I know.


I *think* these are supposed to be hot dogs...

And before you bow to the porcelain god...


Surprised meal is well, surprised!

One might think that with hospital food, the one meal of the day that you absolutely do not touch is the breakfast. Curious about what those scrambled eggs looked like before they made it to your plate and up to your room?


These eggs were not cracked whole from their shells. These came in a carton just like your milk comes in. These tend to turn green after 10 minutes of sit-time on the serving steam table. And the smell... It's just... indescribable.

No meal is safe. Not even dinner.


No, it's not a piece of shit dug out of the toilet. This is an actual filet mignon that was served to a couple as part of their complimentary congratulatory dinner for the birth of the newest infant member of their family.

Congrats? I think?

You've heard the rumors that the food served in hospitals is among one of the most repulsive substances on the planet. If you've ever had a stay in a hospital, I'm sure one of the questions you've been asked by family and friends was "How was the food?" and you never answer favorably. If you do, you're simply lying because at the point where you're asked that question, you don't care about the sympathy and pity you're receiving for being hospitalized, all you care about is getting better, getting out, and eating REAL food; food that is actually FOOD and actually consumable by humans.

The rumors are true. How hospital food can even be considered food and fit for human consumption, I honestly have no idea.

Why is it so disgusting, you ask? One word: Price. If you think hospitals are going to pay for top notch quality foods from their distributors, you're crazy. It's all dollars and sense. As long as it's technically and legally edible, they're going to cook it up and serve it.

And as for the presentability of said "food", it doesn't matter what kind of cook or chef they hire, what school they graduated from and so on. It does not matter. Because when it comes to hospital food, you can't polish a turd.

I now present to you, the best of the worst of the slop that's plopped onto plates and shoved in front of the faces of patients at the undisclosed hospital I am employed with.

Yes, the following are actual meals that were actually served to patients in said hospital.